Brooklyn Boy Read online

  ERIC: It’s nothing you did. It’s me.

  ALISON: Did I talk too much?

  ERIC: No!

  ALISON (Continuous): Shit! I do that; I talk too much. I never know when to shut up.

  ERIC (Over “I never . . .”): It’s all right. I’ve enjoyed talking to you.

  ALISON: You just wanted to talk?

  ERIC: I honestly don’t know. (Pause) Let me call for my car.

  ALISON: Why?

  ERIC: You left your car at Book Soup.

  ALISON: It’s not that far.

  ERIC: What are you going to do, walk?

  ALISON: Yeah, it’s really not that far; just a few blocks.

  ERIC: You’re not walking down Sunset at two o’clock in the morning.

  ALISON: “. . . young lady.” What are you, my dad? (Pause) I don’t do this, by the way.

  ERIC: Do what.

  ALISON: Go back to hotel rooms with famous older men and mooch off their minibars. I don’t want you to think I’m a literary groupie or anything.

  ERIC: I don’t.

  ALISON: Because that is so not who I am. You’re my first famous writer. You’re my first famous anything.

  ERIC: I’m flattered. I really am.

  ALISON: You know? I’ll bet you’re one of those men who’s better looking now than you’ve ever been in your entire life.

  ERIC: What?

  ALISON: I’ll bet you are. And now that you’re famous you have this power you never had before. Right? This allure. So it’s Payback Time—right?

  ERIC: What do you mean?

  ALISON: All the girls in high school who never looked twice at you, there’s like a whole new generation of them now, showing up at book signings, practically throwing themselves at you. Right? I’ll bet you played out this little scene in hotel rooms all across America.

  ERIC: What little scene?

  ALISON: This. Girl in Room.

  ERIC: Is that what you think? I’ve been chalking up conquests, like a rock star on tour?

  ALISON: Hey. I don’t blame you. It’s like everybody’s revenge fantasy come true. Go for it.

  ERIC: So if you thought I was so cynical, why’d you come back here with me?

  ALISON: Why? You’re Eric Weiss! What was I supposed to do? Tell you to fuck off?

  ERIC: You certainly could’ve . . .

  ALISON: No way. Are you kidding? You chose me. You could’ve left with like any one of six women and you picked me! This is my brush with greatness!

  ERIC (Picks up the phone): Let me call for a cab.

  ALISON: A cab to go to my car?

  ERIC (Into phone): Yes, this is Eric Weiss in 806? Could you call for a cab for my friend?

  ALISON: Your “friend”?

  ERIC (Into phone): Thank you. (Hangs up; gets cash from his wallet)

  ALISON: What’s that?

  ERIC: Cab fare.

  ALISON: What am I, a hooker? I can pay for my own taxi, thank you.

  ERIC: I’m sorry.

  ALISON: Look. Maybe you think you owe me something; you don’t owe me anything. I knew what I was doing coming here, okay? I knew when I left I’d have a story I’d tell the rest of my life. Everybody has one of those. This—tonight—is mine.

  (The phone rings.)

  ERIC (Answers phone): Yes? Thank you. (Hangs up) Your taxi’s downstairs.

  ALISON: Can I ask you something?

  ERIC: Okay.

  ALISON: This is gonna sound really lame under the circumstances . . .

  ERIC: What.

  ALISON (A beat): Would you sign my book?

  ERIC: Oh. Sure.

  ALISON (Hands him the book): It’s Alison, by the way.

  ERIC (A lie): I know. One “L” or two?

  ALISON: One.

  (He inscribes her book, then hands it to her.)

  ERIC: There you go.

  ALISON (Reads the inscription, then): Thanks.

  ERIC: My pleasure.

  (She goes.)

  SCENE 5

  Paramount

  The following day. A producer’s office on the Paramount lot. Desk, furniture with Santa Fe–style upholstery, foreign movie poster. Eric is seated. Melanie Fine, a movie producer, is talking on the phone.

  MELANIE (Into her phone): Yeah, well, tell him he’s not the one producing this movie, I am. And hold my calls—I want to give Mr. Weiss here my undivided attention. (Winks at Eric) If Jerry calls, put him through. (Stage whisper) Oh, and Caitlin? If you know who shows up, send him right in. (Puts down the phone. To Eric) You okay with that? (Meaning a bottle of water)

  ERIC: Oh, yeah, I’m fine.

  MELANIE: You sure you don’t want a salad or a sandwich or something?

  ERIC: No, no, this is fine.

  MELANIE: Caitlin could get you something from the commissary.

  ERIC (Over “. . . from the commissary.”): No, thanks.

  (She responds to the message on her computer.)

  MELANIE: Onnne second . . . I’m allll yours . . . (Finishes typing while he looks around and sips his water) So! How’d it go last night?!

  ERIC: What.

  MELANIE: Your book signing!

  ERIC: Oh! Yeah!

  MELANIE (Over “Yeah!”): Didn’t you have your thing at Book Soup last night?

  ERIC (Over “. . . last night?”): Yes. It went well.

  MELANIE: I want to hear all about it. Nice turnout?

  ERIC: Very nice; place was packed.

  MELANIE: God, I’m so sorry I missed it!

  ERIC: That’s really okay. You know the book; you didn’t need to hear me read.

  MELANIE: I wanted to! It would’ve been fascinating! I love hearing writers read! Things got so crazy here; I’ve got a movie starts shooting on the 15th, the script came in and was such a piece of shit, we were like frantic. Hey, congratulations!

  ERIC: For what?

  MELANIE: The best-seller list!

  ERIC: Oh, yeah!

  MELANIE: That is so fabulous!

  ERIC: Thank you!

  MELANIE: Now when we say “national best-seller” it’ll actually be true! (They laugh)

  Listen . . . I have the most incredible news.

  ERIC: What.

  MELANIE: I’m so glad you’re out here so I can tell you in person!

  ERIC: What is it.

  MELANIE: You know who’s dying to do this? (Meaning the script)

  ERIC: Who?

  MELANIE: Guess.

  ERIC: I have no idea.

  MELANIE (A beat, for effect): Tyler Shaw.

  ERIC: Who?

  MELANIE: Tyler Shaw. (He looks blank) Outlaw Billy? (He shrugs) You don’t know Outlaw Billy?

  ERIC: Sorry.

  MELANIE: It’s the hour-long hit of the season. On Fox. Billy the Kid, but very “now,” very sexy?

  ERIC: Of course: Outlaw Billy.

  MELANIE: Tyler IS Outlaw Billy. He IS the show. He’s been on the cover of everything lately; I’m sure you’ve seen him.

  ERIC: How do you know he’s interested?

  MELANIE: Bernie Glickman called me. Do you know Bernie? (He shakes his head) One of the old-time agents. I adore him. I’ll introduce you; he’s like a character from one of your books; you’ll love him. Anyway, Tyler just finished this big action movie that’s going to be huge and Bernie says he’s got like a gazillion offers—and he’s turning down every single one of them! You know what he told Bernie he wants his next movie to be? Brooklyn Boy!

  ERIC: Really.

  MELANIE: Isn’t that fabulous?

  ERIC: On the basis of what?

  MELANIE: On the basis of, I don’t know, you, the book, it’s a fabulous part! All I know is he loves you.

  ERIC: Outlaw Billy loves me? Gee. Can he act?

  MELANIE: Oh my God! He’s fantastic! I’ll get Caitlin to send you a tape. You’ll see: He’s one of those actors you can’t take your eyes off of. Like the young Brando. Or Monty Clift. The camera adores him.

  ERIC: Huh.

  MELANIE: This kid
can get our movie made. The studio’s dying to work with him. He has a meeting on the lot; he may stop by, he’s dying to meet you.

  ERIC: Oh, really he—?

  MELANIE (The phone rings; she cuts him off): This I have to take. (Into the phone; brusquely) What they say? Oh, that is such a—What?! Fuck them. That is such a crock of sh—They did not, Jerry, they never did. I don’t give a shit they were in Ojai. What kind of people don’t check their voicemail? You know, I don’t have time for this. I don’t give a shit what you do, I want you to fix this. Fix it, Jerry, you’re our lawyer, what the fuck are we paying you for?! (Hangs up; to Eric) Don’t ask. We’re building an addition and our neighbors are being unbelievable assholes. You ever renovate?

  ERIC: No.

  MELANIE: Uch. You are so lucky. It is such a nightmare; we should’ve just moved.

  ERIC (Refers to his watch): You know, Melanie, I hate to do this but I have to catch an earlier flight . . .

  MELANIE (Over “. . . earlier flight . . .”): Yes yes yes. The script. This fabulous script.

  ERIC: So you’re happy with it?

  MELANIE: Oh, yes, very happy.

  ERIC: Good. I couldn’t tell.

  MELANIE: I’m ecstatic. I’m thrilled.

  ERIC: That’s a relief. I thought maybe you were disappointed.

  MELANIE: No! It’s great, Eric. You did a terrific job. An amazing job. It’s a great first draft.

  ERIC (A beat): Thank you.

  MELANIE: Your characters! Your dialogue! Were you bugging my family all these years? (He chuckles) The father?! That was my father!

  ERIC: Yours, too, huh?

  MELANIE: The writing, Eric—the way it’s written; the quality—is such a pleasure, I can’t tell you. You don’t read writing like this.

  ERIC: Thank you.

  MELANIE: It’s so good, you don’t want to touch a thing. Not a word. But before we show it to the studio, there are a few little tweaks here and there.

  ERIC: Of course.

  MELANIE: We made you a copy of this . . . (Hands him a stapled report)

  ERIC: Your notes?

  MELANIE: Mine and Caitlin’s, uh-huh.

  ERIC: Caitlin, the assistant you were going to send out for salad?

  MELANIE: She’s incredibly smart. Fresh out of Yale.

  ERIC: Uh-huh.

  MELANIE: First of all, it’s a little long.

  ERIC: I know; I tried to keep it down.

  MELANIE: I know you did.

  ERIC: There’s so much I had to leave out.

  MELANIE: I know! With material this good, you have to be ruthless! It’s painful, I know.

  ERIC: How much do we have to lose?

  MELANIE: Twenty-five, thirty pages.

  ERIC: Thirty?

  MELANIE: A good thirty. If it was formatted correctly, you naughty boy, it would’ve run more like 150, so at least thirty.

  ERIC (Over “. . . so at least . . .”): Was it that obvious?!

  MELANIE: You were running long so you cheated the margins and reduced the font size.

  ERIC: You’re good.

  MELANIE: Hey. I’ve seen it all. (Back to the notes) Now, as much as I hate to say it, some of those dialogue scenes are going to have to come down.

  ERIC: I thought you loved the dialogue.

  MELANIE: I do! I hate doing this as much as you do! But if they see those seven/eight-page dialogue scenes . . .!

  ERIC: Audiences can’t stay glued to a scene for five minutes?

  MELANIE: No. They really can’t. (Back to the notes) Now: My Big Note—and it was really weird, Caitlin had the exact same note—

  ERIC: Uh-huh.

  MELANIE (Continuous): My biggest note is about content.

  ERIC: Content.

  MELANIE: Yeah. Right now the script is a little too . . . How shall I put it? A touch too ethnic.

  ERIC: Too ethnic? (She nods) The Fleischmans are Jewish.

  MELANIE: Of course they are.

  ERIC: That’s not a new development; they’ve always been Jewish. They’re a Jewish family. Remember?

  MELANIE (Over “They’re . . .”): Hey, I’m Jewish, too, bubbie; I’m a nice Jewish girl from Long Island. But it’s one thing to be Jewish in a book, and another to be Jewish in a movie.

  ERIC: And how is that.

  MELANIE: In a movie you’re seeing them.

  ERIC: Yeah? . . .

  MELANIE: They’re right there, in front of you. There’s nothing imaginary about them. Imagining Jews is much easier than actually seeing them.

  ERIC: Easier for whom?

  MELANIE: For most of the world. You have to think like an average moviegoer. Or a studio executive, for that matter. Think about what they’re seeing, how it looks to them. How’s the studio going to sell this movie? Who are they going to get to see it? What are those people going to tell their friends about this movie with all these Jews running around? That’s why I think it would be wise not to make it quite so in-your-face Jewish.

  ERIC: “In-your-face”?!

  MELANIE: Yes.

  ERIC: I don’t get it. Why is this suddenly an issue when it’s always been there?

  MELANIE (Over “. . . when it’s . . .”): Darlin’, do you want to get your movie made? ’Cause if you don’t . . . (Shrugs) that’s up to you. I’ve been producing movies a long time; you’re just gonna have to trust me.

  ERIC: Is this your concern or the studio’s?

  MELANIE: I know what freaks them out.

  ERIC: Did the studio actually read the book? . . .

  MELANIE: Eric, darlin’, they’re the ones bankrolling your movie!

  ERIC: But you’re talking about pandering!

  MELANIE: No, no. It’s a very delicate thing you’re trying to do here; you have to be very careful about this. You’re talking about putting a relatively small segment of the population out there as mass entertainment. Let’s face it, Jews are exotic to most of the planet, and frankly some people could care less about Jews.

  ERIC: What about Schindler’s List?

  MELANIE: Righteous Gentile. Jew As Victim. You can get away with that. Besides, who even REMEMBERS Schindler’s List? It’s old news. Look, the studio didn’t buy your book because it’s a wonderful novel about a Jewish family. Let’s get real. They bought it because it’s a great coming-of-age story they think they can market and generate substantial profits from.

  ERIC: You’re asking me to extract the Jewishness and expect it to be the same story?

  MELANIE (Over “. . . and expect it . . .”): I’m not asking you to extract it, darlin’, I never said that. All I’m saying is: Tone it down. For your own good. Lower the Jewish Quotient.

  ERIC: And how would you propose I do that?

  MELANIE (Flips through the script): Everybody’s Jewish! What if you had a non-Jewish character? His friend. That nerdy kid.

  ERIC: Seth Bernstein?

  MELANIE: Yeah. Does he have to be Jewish?

  ERIC: Does Seth Bernstein have to be Jewish?

  MELANIE: You know what I’m saying: Couldn’t he be black?

  ERIC: Make Seth Bernstein black?

  MELANIE: So you change his name. Make him Seth . . . Washington instead of Seth Bernstein.

  ERIC: The Jewishness is integral to the story! It’s about a place and a people, and the effect of a place on a people! You can’t just mix-and-match like this. It’s insane!

  MELANIE (Over “It’s insane!”): Bubbie, be open-minded . . .

  (Tyler Shaw—tall, blond, surfer-boy handsome; satchel, sunglasses, the whole bit—barges in confidently.)

  TYLER (Jocularly): All right, break it up you two . . .

  MELANIE: Look who’s here!

  TYLER: Melanie!

  (He dips her back and kisses her while Eric waits awkwardly to be acknowledged.)

  You look great!

  MELANIE: So do you!

  TYLER (To Eric): Hi, I’m Tyler.

  MELANIE (Introducing): Tyler, this is Eric Weiss.

  ERIC (Over
“. . . Eric Weiss.”): Hello. (They shake hands)

  TYLER: Wow. What an honor, sir. Really.

  ERIC (Over “Really.”): Nice to meet you, too.

  TYLER: Shit, are my cheeks red? They always get red whenever I get nervous. I have like such awe for writers.

  MELANIE (To Eric): I told you he was crazy about you.

  TYLER: How you guys have the discipline to sit down and write page after page! . . . Stephen King? Oh, man! You ever read IT?

  ERIC: No, I never have.

  TYLER (Over “I never have.”): It’s like this thick. (Indicates a long tome) Longest book I ever read in my life. Took like months.

  ERIC: Uh-huh.

  MELANIE (To Tyler): I was just telling Eric how much you love Brooklyn Boy.

  TYLER: Oh, man!

  ERIC: Thank you. I’m glad.

  MELANIE: Isn’t it fabulous?!

  TYLER: I didn’t actually read the book?

  ERIC: No?

  TYLER: I read the coverage?

  ERIC: Uh-huh.

  TYLER: I read the screenplay though. Lots of times. But I’m reading it now. Bernie—my agent?—he wants me to do a part that really lets me show my range and get out of the teen-idol trap? This is perfect. I get to age from like twelve to twenty-two. And play against type? They love it when you play against type. (He laughs; a beat; self-consciously, to Eric) What.

  ERIC: Hm?

  TYLER (To Melanie): Uh-oh. He’s looking at my hair.

  ERIC: What?

  MELANIE: He says you’re looking at his hair.

  ERIC: No I’m not.

  TYLER: You’re thinking: This WASPy guy wants to play Kenny Fleeshman?! No way.

  ERIC (Correcting him): Fleischman.

  TYLER: What?

  ERIC: Kenny Fleischman.

  TYLER: Fleischman? Sorry. I just want to assure you, sir: these highlights? They’re gone; they’re history. I’m going dark for this; you know, like dark brown?

  MELANIE (With intense interest): Uh-huh, uh-huh.

  TYLER: I already talked to my hair guy? Miguel, the guy who does my hair for everything? He was thinking maybe like a curly perm?

  MELANIE: Or a slight wave?

  TYLER: Yeah. Exactly. To make me look more . . . you know.

  MELANIE (To Eric): He could pass. Don’t you think? With darker hair?

  TYLER: I always find my characters through my hair. Always. It’s like once I get the right hair, I become them. This movie I just did? My character was supposed to be like this bipolar, futuristic, hip-hop deejay, bounty-hunter guy?